This past year has been filled with lots of transition for me. Some days it feels as if I’ve signed up for the advanced “life school” courses.
Let me explain…
It was just last September that my dad left this world. I had so many fears around losing a parent, and at times found myself not wanting to get “too close” knowing it could all be taken away at any time. It just felt too painful!
Flash forward nine months to me finding myself preparing to say goodbye to my mom. After a few falls and increased breathing difficulties, she quickly declined and left us before I could fully comprehend what was happening. It still feels so surreal.
So, now I’m left trying to settle into my “new normal.” Others have said they feel like an orphan after losing both parents. I don’t feel that way. I know a part of them will always be within me.
Now I find myself stepping more fully into my life.
As much as I miss my parents, there’s an odd sense of freedom knowing there’s no judgment or expectations (real or perceived). A part of me always wanted to please my parents, and it’s just been in the last eight years or so, that I’ve begun to become more of who I was meant to be.
When the swirl of freedom arose within me, I started down the rabbit hole of self-judgment. How could I be feeling a sense of freedom after just losing my mom?! Shouldn’t I feel more sad than I was?!
Luckily, I’ve done enough “inner work” to catch myself from spiraling away. When I became the observer (always a good place to go for the bigger picture), I could see that “freedom” was just one of the emotions I was feeling.
I’m allowing myself to “feel all the feels” knowing that I don’t need permission, and whatever I’m feeling at the time is okay.
I know as I move through my grief my feelings will evolve. But as with any transition, that evolution is normal and completely healthy.
I don’t know what’s ahead for me without my parents in my life, but I am open to the unknown (and even somewhat excited by the chapters of my life that remain unwritten).
How have you been impacted by the loss of a loved one? Have you struggled with change? Could you use support with creating a “new normal” with a transition in your life? If so, you can start to turn that around by reaching out to me for support and guidance at firstname.lastname@example.org.