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The Softening

Three years ago my mom’s life was turned upside down by the death of my dad.  At that same time, my life was also turned upside down when she moved close to me. I was fulfilling a promise I had made to my dad to care for her.  I knew he needed the peace of mind that her needs would be met once he was gone.  When I made this commitment, I had no idea how my life would change.  

Part of me was looking forward to having her close to get to know the mom who shared very little of herself.  I’m not sure why I thought a closer proximity meant closeness in our relationship but in my mind it did…at least at the time. 

What transpired over the next nine months before her passing was a whirlwind of emotion for me.  This period of time brought so many emotions to the surface.  It brought my wounded child front and center.  There was so much awareness of how I had missed out on having an emotionally safe landing space.  

As she was grieving the death of my dad, I’m not sure what she did to process her emotions.  She was not one to share with me so I never knew how she was doing emotionally.  

What I do know is something this week shifted inside of me.  

I have begun to see that with her not connecting with her own emotions (from my perspective) she was taking her inner turmoil out on me.  There was so much tension between us.  It was challenging for me to show loving-kindness to her, but now I can see she needed that more than anything.  

I don’t have judgment for how I navigated this period of my life.  I was doing the best I could at the time.  

There are many more emotions to be processed.  There’s anger to be released.  I know there’s freedom on the other side of working through my emotions.  

Although this is only one layer that’s been shed, the shift within me feels so much bigger.  So for now I’m going to settle into my new way of being until something lets me know it’s time to release some more.  

I really have no idea when that will be.  I may be caught of guard by something that comes up and triggers something in my body.  At that time I will know it’s time to circle back around to see what additional shifts can be made.  

It’s about allowing my life to unfold vs. trying to be in control of everything.  I’ve tried that route and been shown over and over how that never works.  

The processing of emotions may not be easy but it’s so important to your overall health and wellbeing.  Taking the time to slow down and listen to what your body is trying to tell you is where it begins.  

Our emotions are not good or bad…they just are.  

If you feel stuck in the midst of emotion, know that you are not alone.  Learning to feel and process our emotions takes time and lots of grace.  A little humor can always help along the way.  🙂

When you’re ready to work through some lingering emotions and struggle to do it alone, I’m here to help.  Having a supportive person to deeply listen can help make sense of what you may not be able to see. 

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